Connecting the dots
November 9, 2015, that's the date when I last posted something here. I actually took time and read that article, and realized how lost I was. And it seems my writing about it was just a way to get it out and continue on that same path. And that path I followed for a long time, sometimes trying to deviate from it. Why did I follow that path, why was it so hard to deviate from it?
As I wrote back then, in the changes that occurred, I found the perfect explanation not to ride my bike. But it was really more than that. I had changed. And as I did not realize that in the first place, I kept looking for reasons elsewhere. I am not going into details, nor will I start writing about all the months I did not train or how few hours I put in each month, trying to escape myself. That if something would even bore me out, not to speak about the few souls actually reading this.
So as time went by, I tried to get back to training. The loss of power and stamina was really huge, and all I thought of was how much time it would take to get back to where I was. As I saw no or little improvement, I just lost the motivation again. At the same time I got a deadline to finally finish my studies and thesis. It was literally shitty. I had to force myself really out of my comfort zone over and over again. After days at work, I had to sit down either writing on the thesis or study for an exam. I felt as buried in shit, and training just wasn't the escape any longer. Finally I managed to graduate in June 16, and a huge burden should have removed from my shoulders.
Now I had the time of my life to actually get back to riding. But I felt, if possible, even more lost. And if possible, enjoyed riding even less. Something had to change. So far I always looked at how much my friends rode each day, the watts they could put in, and each time getting back in the saddle I just couldn't let go of the thought where I had been and where I could be now had I continued as so many of my friends had done. I was done.
It took me hours, days, weeks and months trying to understand what was going on. I got a new bike in May 16, and despite that I rode less than any summer before that. The summer was over and I found no interest in training indoors. I tried, but failed. I do not believe in New Year's resolutions, and even though I again decided not to make any, I decided to try a new angle to cycling. Would I ever get back to training, I had to change the way I looked at training. It meant not looking at the Strava activity feed (comparing me to others riding much more putting in more watts), not thinking of how much I had lost and how long it would take to get back to where I was. I could not sustain efforts I kept for hours before, for even 5 minutes now. But that did not matter now. It sounds easy, but I guess anyone with a training history knows how hard that can be. I had to start it all over again, from scratch. And now, I've been training as much as during the best years since the beginning of the year. And I've actually started gaining some watts again. The most important thing, however, is that I actually enjoy riding the bike again.
Now that I got this post done (believe me, I've been thinking about this post for a long time), I can finally move forward. In the next post I will make a short recap on last year (mostly in pictures) and then get back on track, writing about everyday cycling related things, my new bike and more.
There once walked a man on this earth, and I will end this by quoting him.
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”
Welcome back - hope you enjoy the ride!
